Friday, September 23, 2016

Feelings of Selfishness

I am allowing selfishness. I am allowing myself to keep triggers at a distance.

Friend Heather called today, she has been very quiet all summer. She and her partner are not presently working, they have not worked since they came back from Costa Rica a year ago. They spent the majority of the summer at her partner's family cottage in Muskoka. The fact that they could set aside anxiety about no income for a year, and spend the summer up north drives me insane. My problem. I am owning it. Why should I care?

It annoys me because my parents drilled into me that any job is better than no job. Thank you post-Depression Era survivors, for giving me my work ethic. No work makes me crazy anyway, when I've been unemployed, I underachieve.

So Geoff is off to a conference in New Orleans [finally networking], and Heather is alone for a week - so she called me to see what I'm up to.

I'm working. Go figure.

I work a 4 day work week, and arranged to have Thursdays off to take an afternoon Pottery class. And I really don't want to make morning plans because my day off is supposed to be my day off. A day I don't have to share, but did feel guilty and made a coffee date with her for October 6.

I could tell in her voice, that she wanted me to offer myself up to her - like I did last year, when she came back from Costa Rica. When her life fell apart. I could tell, when she said " I am free for a week! " that she wanted me to drop everything - and make plans to see her.

But I can't. Not drinking has made me feel incredibly good, but I feel really tired. Brutally weary. My energy level starts to lag around 2pm and this weekend - I made no plans. If husband and I manage to take a few  walks, and make soup that will be wonderful. I don't even want to see my grown up children.

I am fresh out of support.

Pulling inwards, self-healing and all that.

Heather was also my big drinking trigger last summer - when she was shattered, and I said to Husband - bring home wine! And I fell off the wagon. Completely. Not this year.


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