[Long and pondering post ahead...]
A friend wanted me to reschedule my week so we could meet for a visit. I feel selfish because I didn't want to do this, and struggled with saying no. There have been big changes in my life over the last 6 months, truly wonderful changes but change is exhausting.
With intention I began to journal in the summer - forcing myself to write at first one page a day, and later three. I had to loosen my words from this gummed up self, and I had to pry them out until there was a trickling flow.
Once I was able to write with less prodding and pushing, things began to unlock inside.I registered for a pottery course, which was fantastic because I was able to play in the mud, to touch the clay and be tactile. It was exactly what I needed.
Then one day in August I thought to myself : I want a sketchbook. And I began to draw.
And the artist unblocking next led me to stop drinking. Just like so many years ago the artist unblocking led me to stop smoking.
Four months later, I am blissfully sober, taking my third pottery course and still drawing. But my time - all this takes time. Add in a fresh new Grand-baby - and now I am balancing very carefully my spare time.
Because now I also want to sew - to sew little baby pants - LamPants - that I used to make my own babies. What next? Who knows!
My day off is precious to me. At this time I had to tell her that I can't move around my time for her, that for the month of January I am practicing Hiber-Nurture. Hibernation and Self-nurturing.
I had to examine all my emotions, and I had to choose me. I had to also admit that I am jealous of her spare time - she does not work right now - and I resented her asking me to move around my week to accommodate her Yoga class. Maybe this is her way of beginning her own journey.
Friends who are still in an addictive place in their lives - as this friend is - are red-flags. They make up reasons why their addictions are not the same as my addictions. She says her habit of smoking hash every day [not until after 2pm!] is not addiction, because it is helping her to cope with trauma.
When you stop smoking cigarettes, everyone celebrates with you. When you stop drinking, they pause and wonder why. It is a shameful thing to be addicted to alcohol, and you must be weak. When you use drugs for coping with PTSD, you are above addiction, and seem to have a free pass to smoke whenever you want.
Something is weird about the way we think.